Today I told my Mom how much weight I have to lose. Her reaction...she's scared, really scared. She had no idea how bad I had let myself go.
I don't know what else needs to happen until I realize that I need to get healthy. I wish someone would acknowledge though how hard it can be from day to day. I start out with the best intentions then there is an office party with cake where I feel like I have to take a piece, or the clock hits 2:00 in the afternoon, I have had a long day, and I think maybe a treat from the vending machine will perk up my day. The piece of cake, or the one snack from the vending machine turns into a downward spiral then I end the day with a 7 layer burrito from Taco Bell. Let's be honest, I have a 7 layer burrito, a crunchwrap supreme, and two apple empanadas. I have failed...again.
My friends wonder why I have become such a flake. The truth is that it is easier to stay at home then it is to have to plan an outfit where I look good, feel good, and I look okay when I am sitting down (aka no bulges). Then there is the worrying about how other people will look at me. I tried my best not to think about this until an incident at a bar a few years ago (when I was 20-30 pounds lighter). I was walking out of a random bar with a group of friends when there was a group a guys walking into the bar at the same time. One of them stopped, look at me, then uttered words that stung me to the core "Have you tried SlimFast, baby?" I was enraged so I tried to go back to give him a smart comment in return, but thankfully my best friend was there to tell me that he just wasn't worth my energy. It still makes me mad to this day. Little does that guy know how I hold onto those words during bad days, I dwell on them wondering if everyone thinks that, but he is the only one who had the guts to say it. This is part of the reason I don't like going out like I used to. I am afraid I may run into to "Slimfast Guy's" brother. We all know his siblings are out there...the jerks who snicker with their friends in the corner of watering holes betting on what type of deep-fried appetizer the fat girl is going to order to go with her beer.
Today I am on day 2 of eating healthy, but it is bad day. One that has tested my patience. One of those days when I dwell on the jerks in the bar. One of those days when I am afraid of failing again. Even on days like this though I dig way down into my soul, and I pull out a little hope. That is the good thing about hope, it only takes a small amount for me to push forward. I know that tomorrow will be a better day. I know I can be healthy again. I can do this.
